member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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