just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
