I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I will pee on everything he values.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You've changed since you got that strap on
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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