When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
