life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Houston, we have a blender
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
