You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
