New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
