Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
