If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
