I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
