Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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