Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
