how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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