Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
