They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
