I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
