If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize