why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize