she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
