I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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