My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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