You don't have asthma, your pregnant
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
