The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize