can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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