Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
