please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize