he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
