You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
