He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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