I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
