You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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