we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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