please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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