So drunk its hurt
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We are all done wearing pants today
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
