eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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