I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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