the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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