I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
