You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
