you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
