THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize