were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
