it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
