brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were trust falling into bushes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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