if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize