My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
