the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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