Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize