I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I love having hate sex.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize