Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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