So drunk its hurt
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
In America we eat man semen.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
