My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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