somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
