I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
