I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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