We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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