I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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