My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
