Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
