Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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