I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
