I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
