I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
