Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
