I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
