I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
