she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
