How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
