The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
