Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Dear god my vagina.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
