Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
