woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
