Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
