Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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