i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
