At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Pooping to opera.
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